Entry 4︎︎︎ May 19, 2023
Written by Isabel Romero
Free will and curiosity are the two halves of the whole of being alive.
Why does my brain negate my meek attempts of carelessness? Is that free will? I find it poisonous to accept that my feelings lie to me and I must push the tide away, scooping buckets out of the tidal waves. It is humorous to think that this could be a reality. However, when trained like a domestic animal to hear the bell and answer with discipline, it feels unnatural to rebel against it. It does not fade, it does not depart. Yet, I am oddly comforted when I am met with this pair of emotions and constraints. Because it is a gift to feel at all. As long as I am breathing, as long as I am having internal battles between the old and new psyche, I have free will. But can I be curious?
Curiosity is humanity bare. Human nature, however, weighted and grotesque a colloquial phrase, is an innate knowledge. It is not learned. It is preeminent, it is not to be avoided or treated as an infectious disease. No, it is soft, yet brutal. It is a curious thing. It is inescapable and is that such a negative sentencing? I grift against, towards, and onwards to a state where I am warmed by such programming. I am most comfortable in the questions. Not merely because I learned this trait, but because it is survival. Not only physical but spiritual. My curiosity may lead me to distant or proche unknowns, but it guides me. If I am stripped of my ability to question or have an ounce of unfamiliarity around me, then my spirit dies. I may be physically healthy, and may have all indicators of a lush and prosperous life, but know that the spirit is dead. It died the moment I could not question. Curiosity, with the spouse of the unknown, builds a home in humility. How might I be proud when I am in the company of the curious? It is a fallacy to think that an ecosystem without question can be humble and kind because these bloom in the presence of a foreigner. When the walls are built so high that a stranger is nothing other than strange, then arrogance is the only outcome. If I can never be corrected, how can I develop? If I can only develop in the company of my friend, then any development is a mirage. I need the stranger. I need to be wrong. I need to make the decision. I need the free will to get there. I need to be curious; as much as I need oxygen to breathe.
Why does my brain negate my meek attempts of carelessness? Is that free will? I find it poisonous to accept that my feelings lie to me and I must push the tide away, scooping buckets out of the tidal waves. It is humorous to think that this could be a reality. However, when trained like a domestic animal to hear the bell and answer with discipline, it feels unnatural to rebel against it. It does not fade, it does not depart. Yet, I am oddly comforted when I am met with this pair of emotions and constraints. Because it is a gift to feel at all. As long as I am breathing, as long as I am having internal battles between the old and new psyche, I have free will. But can I be curious?
Curiosity is humanity bare. Human nature, however, weighted and grotesque a colloquial phrase, is an innate knowledge. It is not learned. It is preeminent, it is not to be avoided or treated as an infectious disease. No, it is soft, yet brutal. It is a curious thing. It is inescapable and is that such a negative sentencing? I grift against, towards, and onwards to a state where I am warmed by such programming. I am most comfortable in the questions. Not merely because I learned this trait, but because it is survival. Not only physical but spiritual. My curiosity may lead me to distant or proche unknowns, but it guides me. If I am stripped of my ability to question or have an ounce of unfamiliarity around me, then my spirit dies. I may be physically healthy, and may have all indicators of a lush and prosperous life, but know that the spirit is dead. It died the moment I could not question. Curiosity, with the spouse of the unknown, builds a home in humility. How might I be proud when I am in the company of the curious? It is a fallacy to think that an ecosystem without question can be humble and kind because these bloom in the presence of a foreigner. When the walls are built so high that a stranger is nothing other than strange, then arrogance is the only outcome. If I can never be corrected, how can I develop? If I can only develop in the company of my friend, then any development is a mirage. I need the stranger. I need to be wrong. I need to make the decision. I need the free will to get there. I need to be curious; as much as I need oxygen to breathe.